well, today has come and almost over...only five more hours then i can get rest. i don't get enough rest. stress is probably the most reason of all. i just have to keep pushing forward towards Jesus..the only one who can help me. i have too much on my mind..for example...why do i keep losing so much weight..im hoping that im not sick or something..i have a kid to take care of.. the oldest one doesn't need me anymore, so i have come to accept..but, the other one is so lost and lonely... rebellious, mouthy,....such are most teenagers.........im sure there are some out there who do show respect,but, this one..not too much..... i wonder if anyone reads this or not...but, i don't really care......... im gonna make it through this and things will straighten out soon, i just have a gut feeling......... what are you struggling with today......out of control kids, husbands or wives who abuse you and think they have to control every fiber of your being? i don't know.. all you can do is give it to Jesus and ask HIM to be your guide and help you to follow HIM. He will,but, you have to ask. When you don't get an answer,it doesn't mean that He said no...sometimes He just wants you to wait and He has something for you to learn. Lean on HIM..not on people..They will let you down everytime.... dependence on people is an awful thing,because it keeps you tied down,unable to move, almost paralyzes you at times......i know, easier said than done.... peace out.................

Good morning...i hope all of you have a very nice Thanksgiving. I on the other hand am not looking forward to it at all. I have a son who is not talking to me right now and it's just tearing me apart. I don't look forward to the holidays because of that. anyway, since this is my blog i guess i can write whatever i want to write and spell anyway that i want. how did your day go yesterda? Mine didn't go so well and today i feel not so hot. i have a doc appt. because of 4 messed up discs in my neck and back and just don't feel like going. hard to go when u feel depressed. i think i would like to just crawl under rock somewhere........ how do u actually tell someone the truth about things? I have so much on my mind and if you say this or that then you are the one who is wrong, ya da , ya da....makes you look like the bad guy and i really don't do too well with that. things are building up and i think im bout to blow.......... i know that i am supposed to be in a joyous mood because of all i have learned being a christian but i don't know how to get to that point. when u are forced to do something you don't want to do it makes you rebellious and angry....... so, what do i do and how long will i put up with it? that is the question. i can see that this blog is not one of encouragement,but, of depression,resentment and i am sure self pity.....that sounds awful,doesn't it? But, maybe it will help to get it out somehow. It's windy and cloudy outside and cold and that doesn't help me any at all. let's see.....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........how can i change feeling this way? i've heard that we should pray unceasingly so i will try that and i know i will feel better soon,so, if i do that. then this whole blog will basically be for nothing...is that right? all i can say is that i know the answer but i have yet to act on it so what the hell is taking me so long just to do it? I'll work on it today and tomorrow i'll give you the answer that i came up with. If anyone reads this feel free to put in your input........ til tomorrow.........................

Day by day.........

Good morning to whoever is out there. I think today should be a good day,but, only i can make the choice to actually have a good day. I don't have too many good days but i think that it's my own fault by just getting up in the morning and seeing things in my way that fog up my mind . I have this problem of being a doormat and still haven't learned that i don't have to be. No one else cares what they say or feel..... I am actually to the point that i don't care one way or the other about alot of things and for me..that is not a good thing.

After all, that's not who  God created me to be. I guess i'm just rebellious and still trying to do it all "my way" and i know that life just doesn't work ..atleast for me...when i try and hold onto the reins of life. So, i hear people say "let go and let God" which is true and for me the best thing to do,but, when some people say it and they don't do it themselves, what do you do with that? So, who do you listen to, who do you believe, i can't even believe in myself because i am too beat down to get back up.........

i guess i am rambling again,but, maybe there is someone out there who might understand all of this. How many of you have been hurt by someone who is supposed to be so "Godly"? wow, that really hurts,so bad, right to the very core of  your being......... How many of you have hurt someone so badly and didn't intentionaly do it and now that person won't even add you back on their facebook or answer your messages. what do u do with that? How do you "fix" that?

So..you try and help someone through a difficult situation because you see them being hurt so badly and next thing you know it backfires on you and now you're the bad guy and they have worked things out..... miscommunication is the worst thing in relationships and can cause people to not talk or be in contact for days, weeks, month or years......... the enemy walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.......... today, i make a choice to not get beat down....all i can do is lean on Jesus...there is no one else, no way to turn... just me and HIM.................


if anyone reads this i hope it in someway helps..............

don't know what to write about that would even interest anyone in reading this. things are crazy lately but i've heard that the best way to get things out is to either just say it or write it..so, guess i'll write it  and if someone reads it then fine..if not.. that's fine too.


right now.... God has removed people from my life and caused me to be in a position of only having HIM to depend upon. This is hard for me especially since i have trust issues that go way back........i try, i fall, then i just want to give up because i don't see that i will just ever make it or ever get it right. How many of you feel like that>? it says in the word that "the joy of the Lord is your strength"..what joy, i don't think i have ever had joy in my life so then what do you do with that? I feel like i am just rambling,but, maybe if i do it enough then i will find a way through the muck and mire of my life where i can get to a point where i can think straight.......        

why do  people really only run to Jesus when everything is going wrong or falling apart? when things are alright, he gets sent to the back seat and doesn't get thought of much until your whole world just collapses........ what do u do then............i don't know where i am going with this but how do u change y our whole character makeup  when u are so de pressed that u can't think straight.........nothing gets done...attitude stinks..........everything around you gets so out of sorts hat you want to pull your head out or choke the nearest person...............what do you do?  i'll try and come back tomorrow..................

I remember when i was little that i  always wanted to become a writer. I would get out my grandmother's old typewriter and fiddle around with it and always wanted to write my life story,although, at the time I was only in 4th grade and realized that i didn't have enough life to write about. Every day i am going to tell you a little bit about myself and feel free to comment if you like.